mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
