Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
