I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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