What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
