does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
