I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
