I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
