i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
