Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
