Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
