Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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