My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
