It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
