just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
