I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think your dad took our porno
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
