Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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