What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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