i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
