My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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