So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
