I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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