my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
