Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
