I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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