im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
