Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
