you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
