and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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