the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
