no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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