Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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