The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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