I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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