Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
