I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
