We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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