I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
