This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
