He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
