i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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