Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she peed on how many people?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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