no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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