How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
