I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
