i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
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Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
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I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.