I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
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Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
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Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket