Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour