I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
