she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
