Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
