did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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