mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
