I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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