You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
