I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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