it wasn't lemon gatorade
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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