I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
