everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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