A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
