I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
