So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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