Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
