I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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