Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
