mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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