Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
